Ok, this is soo very much personal and I do not know if it is the right thing to do to share this. I am losing my personality when I hold back for the sake of what other's will think about me. So apologies. Pouring my heart is my coping mechanism and feels good.
I am little bit disappointed. I have been trying to get pregnant-- for two years now. Before, I used birth control pills for a considerable amount of time. We never seriously planned for a baby until we were certain to take responsibility of another human being. There was always pressure from the families but it never interfered with our decision making. We enjoyed each other, traveled, felt ready, and I stopped taking the pills.
For about a year I was not worried. Maybe it was because of the pills I used for years. I believe about one and a half year later, I stated to visit gynecologist. It turned out that I have something called endometriosis which reduces my chances of natural pregnancy seriously. So serious that, we were suggested not to wait any longer and send to a fertilization clinic.
And nightmare started. Around that time, I started to develop resentment to everything including my own routine like going to work. Every time a coworker got pregnant, I was scared to hang around too much, because inevitably the moment will arrive when someone would look at me and say "You are next" and "hahaha". It was not funny. I can not tell you how heart melting it was not being able to shout out that I just got a hormone shut to increase my fertility up to 300x. Even with close friends, every now and then, there are these awkward moments where I feel like me and my husband are in an interrogation room being asked when we are going to have kids. It is so difficult to tell them that we just can not.
Meantime issues started with marriage. Not that I was sharing with anyone, I would not let my husband share it with anyone either. Since we were not able to have child because of me, I forgot that we were going through these troubles together. Neither of us would spend any money for pleasure because we had to save for an ivf or some other hormone shut series. And sex sucked. Anything other than missionary position felt guilty as if I was wasting some important time. I am serious. Not exaggerating at all. One time in the middle of it, I told him to change his position "you have to be on top". And another time, I rushed into the living room and told him that we had to do it right at that moment because I was ovulating. Not so healthy you can imagine.
Right before the start of ivf procedure, I suddenly fallen into this idea of certain pregnancy. Because there is no other way. They are not telling me that I can not get pregnant. And the only way to get pregnant is the ivf. So this time my mind switched from irrationality mode to absolute rationality. After bunch of hormone shuts, egg collecting, and sperm wasting, we had three healthy embryos. Each time I had a good news, my mind convinced me more into that this was it. The doctor transferred two healthy embryos, so in my mind I was going to have twins. I named them Yum Yum and Bam Bam. The last stage of ivf is the pregnancy test and I took it 15 days after the transfer. For 15 days I did not had my period. How can I describe my situation? I was high like on dope. We only needed to wait an hour to learn that I was not pregnant. In couple of hours, my period started. I had cold shivers caused by pain but I refused to use any pain killers. Physical pain suppressed the mental. I cried a river for a day.
Things are changing since than though. I do not feel ready to go over it again just yet. But, I talk about this with my family and closest friends. My husband and I bonded at a different level now. At the beginning he was supporting me by saying I matter the most. Now he also expresses himself showing his sadness and frustration but most if the time he is hopeful and motivating. He still had to deal with my nonsense crisis here and there (still crying ever time my period starts but also it feels like I still have a chance). Sometimes, I get so stressed before we get together with friends or family members with kids. And I refuse to go last minute. I can not help doing that. I am trying to convince myself to act like a grown up woman but I could not win over my emotions just yet.
Honestly, I feel so happy for my family members and for my friends when we celebrate their newborns. But, it breaks my heart when they wish the same for us right when we are about to leave. As if we can not share their joy in full until we know what it is like to be a parent. See how my mind works. Makes me sick.
I put some highlights for my self ;
- Never forget that you are going through this with your partner. Your partner feels as much frustrated as you are. Thrust your partner.
- Share your straggle with people you thrust.
- Your chances for pregnancy improves with repetition. Be dedicated, but for now stop saving and start taking salsa classes.
- You are only on this Earth for a limited time. Do not accuse yourself or feel guilty. Even if you waste your time with all those negative feelings, life goes on. There are so many great things you can do like learning to dance, traveling, climbing to Everest....
I go to gym, take my dog to a walk, go out with my sister, read, and of course do make up videos but always thinking about my last healthy embryo. Maybe in couple of months....
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